What Do I Want?

So I went to that interview, just about 20 minutes from where I was parked.

Fast forward to December 3, 2018 – I left my stressful job for this new one that I quickly got hired for as a graphic designer. I had a five thousand raise compared to my most recent ex-job, full insurance on health and dental, a company car (that I had to share with others but did’t mind) and LESS WORK! Yes, I say less work for my new career path, “Graphic Designer,” because the job that I had left was trying to match the pay and give me just HEALTH insurance and finally a position worth calling myself, BRAND MANAGER, like a week before it was time for me to leave (I resigned a month before). I said “no, thank you.” because I was not down to continue killing myself slowly at that job and even if the people that I loved deeply were still there, I had to run away and give myself a longer life to live for. I was sad. I had to start from the bottom again when it came to meeting and getting to know new people. I’m a very shy person but when you do get to know me, I can be pretty loud but that’s normal, right?

Anyways. Fast forward again, to April 2019. I was bored. Bored at work. It’s unfortunate to say and feel but yes, I was bored at a job that I should be calling, DREAM CAREER. I finally had the job position that I wanted and I had everything that I could ask for in a job company. But why, why was I not happy? I dread to go to work, every. single. morning. Luckily, our company was looking for a new hire that could take care of a coffee factory that was opening up in our warehouse. What do I do? I suggest the boyfriend, haha. I suggested him since he was mechanically inclined and just recently also left his previous job. He willingly took it and I was happy! We went to work, ate lunch and went home together – 5 days a week. Were we tired of doing that? Actually, no we weren’t since we worked on two different levels in the building. I worked in the office and he owned the coffee factory. Basically, we had new things to talk about as if we weren’t working together which was great! Our relationship is still very strong even if we deal with each other every morning, day, and night lol.

As the daily routine went on by, I was bored. Again! Like, I couldn’t control myself from whining and crying from how bored I was. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I kept telling myself I wasn’t worth it, I haven’t accomplished anything in my life, I can’t do anything to help myself grow, etc. etc. etc. Was I going through an internal crisis? Was I depressed? I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist but that costed hardcore cash, so I tried to make myself feel better after that thought (silly, right?) So I sought for some comfort from the boyfriend. After all the venting, he concluded with “Why don’t you find a hobby? It will keep you busy when you’re “bored”.” New hobby, huh? If I really think about it, I had no major interest in anything that I do. I used to draw back when I was in college and continued it a little after graduating, but I stopped. I no longer called myself a traditional artist but rather just a digital graphic person. Literally, a graphic designer, yeah, like what I do right now! Then I thought, photography? But I’m not into driving around and capturing moving objects or taking still pictures. I was just trying to narrow down what I can/cannot do and turn it into a “hobby.” Finally, the boyfriend said “Why don’t you bake? Make use of the mini oven that ____ bought you as a gift 2 years ago?” – I never used the mini oven becauseeee I was dumb. I didn’t know how to turn the knob to put on the timer or choose “bake.” LOL Yes, that is exactly my reason. I didn’t know how to use it and I was too stubborn to learn. But the boyfriend made a point so he taught me how to use it and on that day forward – our power bill went up. Like 50-60 bucks higher up. BUT! But. I found a new hobby. Every day after work, I looked forward to going home and baking/cooking something new.

This new hobby kept going on and on and on for about a month, until – I got sick. I stressed myself from learning too much, too fast. Yes, it’s very possible that when you get stressed, it can lead to sickness. I didn’t realize that until I backtracked my health when I was working at the bigger company. I was consistently getting sick, if not weekly then bi-weekly. I was lucky enough to get some rest if I had the chance.

After I got sick, I told myself to slow down and to relax. I had so much of this free time now, finally had decent day offs on the weekend so why am I killing myself over this new hobby? I realized that I wanted something more out of it. I wanted to turn this new hobby into a job, and one day into a small business. This thought helped me stay motivated and it brought my excitement right back up again. I was actually having fun! I was so happy and became so thankful at the talent that I gained / learned from baking just by watching YouTube! The boyfriend was even more proud of me. A few months later, I was able to open my own little business on Instagram. I made homemade sweet and savory treats and sold them over the internet; who ever wanted to order, I would gladly deliver it to them. My small business was slowly growing and I made sure to put the money that I earned from it on the side and to not touch it! Pretty much made it like my personal savings bank but at my house. This went on until 2020 and still going which I’m pretty proud of myself.

February 18, 2020. I’m bored. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me! I literally have everything that I could ask for but yet I’m still unhappy.

○ I have a house that is under my name, given by the parents.

○ I have two loving parents, both strong and healthy.

○ I have friends who I can be honest with.

○ I have money that can pay all of my bills on time, but mostly for food.

○ I have traveled to two awesome places: Japan & (parts of) Europe.

○ I have a car that I am happy to share with the boyfriend.

○ I have a dream career at an awesome company.

○ I have health and dental insurance.

○ Most of all, I have the most supportive, caring and loving boyfriend.

I can say that I do have everything that I ever wanted and/or need, but yet I still find sadness within myself. I tried not to cry this morning because it felt painful to know that I don’t understand myself. I can’t figure out why I was sad or that I wanted to do something more with my life. Should I see a doctor? Should I find another hobby? Should I travel more often? Have I spent too much? Should I just continue to save up on money and extend my current house? What would you do in this situation. My life is a mystery right now and I have no idea what to do with it. Someone. Please. Help. Me. I’m stuck in the dark and I don’t know what to do. It might not look it, but I’m struggling.

#helpme

What Do I Want?

Hey Tumblr, it’s been awhile – sorry if I’ve neglected you.

You’re probably wondering why I came back all of a sudden. I may need to vent, and I hope you don’t mind listening, or rather, read what I have to say today (02/18/2020)

I’m a bit lost. I don’t really know why. But life has been kind of…dark…for me at least. I know I shouldn’t be thinking this because there are worse scenarios and/or situations out there, but am I still free to feel this way? Can I as a human being not feel this way? Please let me know if I shouldn’t and that I should stop.

Could I possibly have anxiety? Or possibly be depressed? But for what. I understand these two feelings as, anxiety = freaking the fuck out ‘cause I can’t handle the pressure; and depression = I’m fucking sad that I don’t deserve to be here. Am I still thinking wrong? Please let me know.

Let me start from the beginning – about a year ago, I was working for a company that I would like to say is, pretty popular and big around the world. I worked there for 6 years, left once but came back. Literally, worked myself up from being a cashier until I was a marketing assistant. I’d say that was pretty far in just a matter of 6 years, don’t you think? Honestly, a lot of people were proud of me for going that far. But, here’s the downside – I wasn’t. Why? I felt like there was something more that I wanted to do. Something higher. I cried, I stressed, I went angry, my period even changed it’s monthly schedule due to everything that was happening in this company. I was so overwhelmed that I had dreams about my job! Isn’t that insane?! Now that I think about it, I think I was just scared of getting fired from doing one mistake. That’s where I learned to be a bit of a perfectionist or just somewhat someone who watched their every move. This is helping me on the long run so I don’t regret learning it – need to thank my boss one day. Basically, this job took my life away and I felt like I couldn’t rest. I couldn’t sleep wondering if I’d get a text while I’m taking a nap, I couldn’t take a proper shit because what if I got a last minute assignment to do. I was drowning and I didn’t even know it.

Until one afternoon when my boss was off-island, I had a random phone call from a friend. I was doing some work errands at the time so I wasn’t in the office, luckily. I answered the phone, “Hello?” – Him: “Hey! You do graphic designing right? Are you interested in doing a side job?” – I thought that was super random and this shouldn’t take long even if it were a contract, but I thought to myself “Why not?” Him: “Okay cool. I’ma give your number so they can contact you directly.” Minutes later after we hung up, me still stunned at what happened, I finally got a call. Lady answers after I say “Hello?” Her: “Hi, are you ____?” “Yes, ma’am.” I said. Her: “Do you have time for an interview?” Me: “Uhm…I’m on my lunch break right now” (I decided to clock out here since I was parked on the side) Her: “Okay, do you have time to come in now for an interview then? We’re just near there!” – I was so lost in words, I just said yes and went. Of course, I had to let my coworker know where I was heading to and she nicely said “it’s okay, go for the interview.” And so I went.

…to be continued.